The faults in our stars
Exercise #3
This one comes to us from our very own Ben Weis:
Reviews on the internet are a curious medium. We all rely on reviews to some degree. They have even been elevated to an art form. But for the most part, when you’re scrolling through them, it’s a morass of strong opinions and unmet expectations.
So, this week we’re asking you to write two reviews:
A snarky four star review ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 😏
A polite two star review ⭐️⭐️ 🙂
What exactly are you reviewing? One of these products from Lowe’s that you likely know next to nothing about.
1 - DK2 Power 6 in. 14 HP Commercial Kinetic Cyclonic Chipper Shredder
2 - DEWALT 8-Gallon Portable Wet/Dry Shop Vacuum
3 - Chill-Its Blue Pva Cooling Towel
5 - Haunted Hill Farm Haunted Hill Farm 20-ft Creepy Clown Halloween Blow Up Inflatable
7 - The StudBuddy Magnetic Stud Finder
Have fun! As always, we’d love to hear what you come up with. Don’t be shy.
Haunted Hill Farm 20-ft Creepy Clown Halloween Blow-Up Inflatable
*****
As a serious and devoted Halloween decorator, the Haunted Hill 20-ft. Creepy Clown Halloween Blow-Up Inflatable has exceeded expectations. The creep factor is high enough that we realize that now, no one wants to come near us, or near our home. Mission accomplished! At a reasonable $719, what a deal!
**
This is the 4th Creepy Blow-Up Clown Inflatable I have owned over the years and sadly, I must return yours. Instead of evoking a feeling of fear, creepiness, horror, it seems to illicit feelings of anger, rage, and frustration. Obviously, not Halloween emotions. And seriously, what is with that nose?
**
Detail K2 429-cc Kohler 6-in Steel Gas Wood Chipper
I am the woodchuck hear me roar (****):
I’m going to give it to you straight—-the Detail K2 gas-powered chipper is about all you can expect from a non-industrial machine. It is what we’d refer to in the chipper business as cost-clipper dipper chipper. The 14 horsepower Kohler motor chews through your softwoods, your hardwoods, your semi-soft hardwoods, your semi-hard softwoods, and your inbetweens. The rotational chip chute will spray chips at bed height or head height. Had to knock my review down from five stars to four because the limited warranty only covers you if you’re chipping wood but last I checked this is America and I can chip whatever the hell I want.
Mistakes were made (**):
I’m sure the Detail K2 Steel Gas Wood chipper is capable of many tasks. I was primarily interested in the product because of it’s stated ability to chip steel, gas, and wood. I don’t live in the forest or on a farm but if a single tool is capable of chipping steel, gas, and wood, that’s worth three thousand bucks right there. So when I brought it home I figured I’d start with chipping gas and then work my way up to the harder materials. I couldn’t find any gasses laying around until I saw the spare propane tank next to my grill. So I picked it up and threw it in the chipper and I did not expect what happened next. I caused a 2000 acre (and growing!) brush fire, as well as burns to my face, genitals, and extremities. I’m actually dictating this review into my phone from the burn unit at the hospital. So, yeah. I think I misinterpreted the capabilities of this product and I now see that is totally my bad.